slicing up eyeballs,

in the six or so weeks since the move here, i had yet to take a slow and deliberate stroll around the court until today. it was time to really take a look at what people are putting in their 10X5 feet of space we call the "front yard". the sun was shining, people were out in their "yard", and it seemed like the perfect thing to do. sunlight lends itself nicely to the little nuances we don't always see in this gray-ass city.

for starters, i decided i had better take a note book along for the ride. i couldn't figure out how to be sneaky about it. i already look like the court freak with my mostly black wardrobe, which happens to be the same color of the smoke monsters pouring out of my tail pipe every time i pull into my driveway. would i tell someone, should they ask, that i prefer to write in my journal while walking? that most of my inspiration technique is the "walk 5 steps, stop, write, repeat" method? you know, right? my muse is the fresh air, dude.

not gonna work.

the first thing i decided to do was put on a more appropriate outfit. i chose blue sweatpants, red slip-on shoes, and a puffy ski jacket with aforementioned colors. i know! i'll dress like a patriot! perfect.

throwing caution into the wind, i set out into the sunshine hoping people would just pass me off as a crazy person and ignore me. it mostly worked, except that i did pass kathy (smoking a cigarette of course) by the recycling bins. the weather was discussed, and i found out she grows strawberries, magnolias, and fern trees in her "back yard". apparently the folks on the other side of the street have space to do this, which is so not the case on my side. a fucking bonzai tree wouldn't even fit back there.

anyway, i figured listing some of the things i noticed in people's yards would be the best way to describe my walk. i wasn't able to get much considering people might wonder why a spaced-out person wearing way too much blue and red was eyeballing their shit. there are 29 trailers total, and i live in #8. here goes...

#1. vacancy. single wide.
#2. tiny xmas tree with lights.
#3. ceramic chimpanzee holding a banana
6 ceramic squirrels
xmas wreath
#4. ceramic squirrel (another one?!)
#5. blah. boring.
#6. two plastic deer, both turned on their sides- one is decapitated, head next to it
gold cherub fountain
"killer schnauzer on duty" sign
#7. cement plack that reads "if tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane, i'd walk
right up to heaven and bring you home again" (perfect for when the killer dog next door
murders your loved one, randy?)
5 windchimes
#8. 8 tiny reindeer (when in rome)
#9. 2 plastic geese
#10. potted pine tree
#11. meh. nothin.
#12. potted pine tree
#13. boring.
#14. "my cat lets me live here" sign
#15. 6 hanging plants
wooden goose plant holder
#16. shit loads of potted fake sunflowers
#17. hot black motorcycle (who are you??)
#18. floor to ceiling plexi-glass front porch
#19. sign with a demonic, grinning bulldog that reads: "neighborhood pub and eatery. where
the drinks are cold and the food is fierce" (hi. i'm lacy. can i come over for dinner?)
#20. xmas icicle lights
#21. 20-25 feet of xmas garland, red bows, and bells.
13 wind chimes
american flag
#22. american flag ( probably this corner would appreciate my outfit the most)
#23. potted ceramic magic mushroom
lady bug flag that says "happy spring" (kathy. probably an ashtray on the porch too)
#24. antenna on roof. looks just like the one in 'back to the future'
#25. 2 potted pine trees (same landscaper as #'s 10 and 12)
#26. vacancy. double wide.
#27. wooden geese.
#28. 9 brightly painted rocks
flock of plastic geese with plastic grocery bags on their heads.
#29. blah.

so that's what i gathered. the common denominators i've found are : geese, squirrels, pine trees, wind chimes, and xmas acoutrement. funny, i have a ceramic goose head hanging in my living room. maybe i should can the xmas act and hang my goose from the siding. or do both!!

the other outdoor theme at central park is white lattice. i'm not sure who started this god-awful trend, but i spotted walls of white lattice outside 19 of the 29 trailers. that's 2/3 of the homes!! my guess is that it happened some time in the seventies. maybe a previous (or current!) smooth talking tenant went door-to-door, describing in great detail how stunning lattice is once foliage and vines take over. evidently the landscaper that planted all of those mini pine trees skipped town on everyone, because the fucking lattice is barren. it's aching to be a support structure for something that grows. it wants vines. badly.

after my stroll, i realized i was out of smokes. on a day like today and in an outfit like this, it was time to take walk up to good ol' 82nd ave. big shocker, i didn't get a single funny look about my sweatpants/ski jacket ensemble. fit right in.

it turns out, in a five minute walk, i have a lot of options. i can stop in for a $25 perm at hi yin hair salon, or wander across the street for live sea urchin at chang fa supermarket. i noticed a rather phallic trend when i saw that hung far low chinese restaurant is the neighbor of vien dong videostore. thank god the store that follows is taboo adult superstore. i almost had to stop in for 4 quarters worth of porn in the jerk-off booth after rounding that corner! fortunately, the thought of that alone was enough to calm me down.

the sun was setting by this point, and my research was complete. i went back to my haven, opened up my bugler, and smoked a well-deserved cigarette.