don't you forget about me

in exactly 9 days i will be spending half of my weekends, for eight weeks in a row, in jail. check-in at 7:30am on my saturday, and leave at some point the following morning. i have to sleep there, which terrifies me.

i have no idea what to expect. since my sentencing last week, i've been spending a lot of time wondering what effect this will have on my sense of self, my psyche, my body, or my idea of spare time. it doesn't seem like much, but it's approximately 250 hours of my life where i will be in an environment with little to no freedom, and this- this single little fact- is what terrifies me the most. my current struggle, internally, has been the "caged animal" syndrome. this creeps in and out of my life at times and it's at a particularly high point these days. i have security blankets at my finger tips- like my cigarettes, my phone, my computer, tasty food, the cats, or a stiff drink. none of these will be available in jail, and i'm desperately trying to see this as a test of strength. what pains me is that it isn't on my terms.

the silver lining will surely reveal itself throughout the course of this. it just has to.